Maybe next time.

Thank you Scarlett for being too nice to me.

I suppose I shall pass this on to Eliza, as she is such a gifted writer, and despite the fact that she doesn't update as often as we'd like her to, her blog Occasionally Tuesday Morning radiates sweetawesomeness up the wazoo.

I've lost some weight, which is good, because now I'm right where I want to be. I'm not too skinny and not too fat. Is good. And I went bra shopping the other day. Apparently it was a good idea to because when I was fitted, I found out that I'm a 32C instead of a 34B. Yeah, so I bought two pretty bras; one I got is to the left. I've never had pretty bras before, they've all usually been just plain and white or black. So. I'll have to get some plain bras, too, and get rid of my other ones or just stash them somewhere in case some day I get chubbier and my boobs shrink.

Lizzie's awesome taste in music led me to City and Colour. If you like them too, you should create a Pandora station in their name and all the music will pretty much rule all schools. Thanks, Lizzie.

School starts next Monday. I'm excited for two reasons: less work at... work. And secondly, I shall be taking the last two classes I need to finish up my math major. It actually feels like I'm almost done with all of this. But really, I'm not, because I still have a year of general education to finish up before I can graduate, and then I'm going into medical school for four years.

Which reminds me. Granma mispoke last time when he said he was going to my school, it was actually a different one. But he didn't get into any of the classes anyway because he made the decision to become a nurse so late, and then he got a job as a model in the art department for the time being. He was trying to tease me and say that he'd be in the nude on occasion. God. So anyway, he'll be at work with me for a year before he starts up the nursing program next fall. Is good.

My best friend Lelu shall be headed off to some other college somewhere mid September, so we're planning an old school sleep over. And then we probably won't see each other for quite some time. I'll still have one old friend in town after she leaves. Just one, though. Unless she's going off to university too and I just hadn't heard about it. Ah, shucks. I'll try to be less of a sourpuss in the future.

As boring as elevator music.

School starts up again next Monday. All of my good friends are leaving town or have already gone. Before I went out with Granma, I didn't mind being to myself so much, but after actually being with someone, you develop a taste for it so much that there's now this new urge to find someone to be with, and now I actually do feel alone.

I was conveying this to my work friend the other day via myspace messaging, and he said he recognized the feeling. He was trying to help me feel better by giving me advice, saying things like, "Do things you wouldn't normally do, stupid things you can only do when you're young. Spend time with people you don't." Et cetera, et cetera, but I know all these things, and that's what I've been trying to change about myself over the past several years. And I have had my small victories in tiny bits of progress.

I keep thinking something is wrong with me, but my work friend says I think too much. He says that a lot. And I've liked this guy pretty much since day one but he's had a girlfriend the whole time up until about a month ago. I wouldn't dare impose myself on him now though, because I know he doesn't want to date coworkers and I think it would only make him feel awkward, especially since he's been hit on a lot recently. So instead we practice subtle flirting and jokingly call each other "honey" and "dear". Maybe it's better that way.

I feel like sharing a couple of my favorite things.

Circa Survive.
They've been my favorite band for a good and solid five years, now. It's interesting, because the first time I heard them, I thought they were too weird, but once I took the time to listen properly and get used to them as an idea, I liked them. And then I loved them; nearly all of their songs move me. I discovered recently that they have a channel on youtube with several awesome jam sessions. Here's a recent one:



Iumazark.
This is an artist I found on DeviantART whose artwork I find inspirational and original. I love how carefree the lineart is; I've always wished that I could do the same, but I'm too careful. Check out the page: http://iumazark.deviantart.com.



And just a funny video I watched for my anatomy and physiology course. It's worth checking out, trust me.

Oh, blubber.

I had yet another bout of hysterics this morning. I was studying some medical terminology, like I ought to, and stated a fact read verbatim from the textbook when my mother says so matter-of-factly, "No" as if it were so obviously not the case. It really isn't all that hilarious, but I laughed myself into a stupor just the same. My mom thought I was going insane, something I often come to the conclusion about her.

It turns out Granma is going to the same school as me this semester, which is awesome. He's looking into becoming a male nurse, apparently, which is pretty cool. Then we can hang out more often, because I haven't really seen him properly in ages outside of the brief hello's as we pass by each other, and I can help him study some things since I've already taken the classes he's going to take. He's waving fanatically at me again at work; I missed that. We're definitely on friendly terms again, and it makes me so happy.

I still think about him all the time, though. You know, in a romantic sense. I'll need to get over that. Everyone was telling me it's a good thing that we broke up since he didn't show me enough attention or interest, but I miss the feeling of being with him. I keep wanting to say, "Hey, let's get back together" just so I can cuddle up with him under a blanket while watching some obscure movie on pay per view.

Last night was the third night in a row that I had a dream about him, only to find when I wake up that it never happened. That's what tears me apart the most. My subconscious is killing me slowly.

I think I've mentioned my chest pain before? Have I? Anyway, I've had this chest pain for probably five years now, a really sharp sort of throbbing that is intensified when I breathe in deeper, but breathing in all the way is the only means of getting rid of it. This pain is very sporadic in nature; it can show up anywhere from a couple of times a day to once a month, lasting anywhere from a millisecond to thirty seconds. One time it was fifty minutes. That scared the hell out of me, as you can imagine.

The doctors don't know what it is, though. I've had an echocardiogram done and they have ruled out my heart from that little procedure, despite the fact that I wasn't having any pain during the procedure. I didn't suppose it would have shown up anyway, but they seem pretty adamant that it would have shown up if there was some sort of heart problem.

So, who knows what it is. I think they've given up, and I've given up on them. They all seem so unreliable, especially when they charge me so much money for finding out absolutely nothing. I feel like I've just got to ride it out, and some day I'll probably die from some ambiguous disease in twenty years. But I don't think I want to live too old, anyway. I haven't quite made up my mind about that yet.

What the frkhghasldf.

I was going to see District 9 with the supposedly cool kids at work, but they all flaked so I ended up doing laundry and studying me some medical terminology. But hey, at least now I have clean clothes and I know that "encephalorrhaphy" is the suturing of the brain.

My dad came and visited me, too, yes. I spent a lot of money on things.

Purchases:

1. 2 "amber" candles with 2 candle holders.
2. A lap desk with a pillowy underside and space for pencils on the top.
3. A book light clip that I will probably use with #2 for homework and drawing on my bed.
4. A new purse. Mind, I hate purses, but my other one was overused and it always took longer than necessary to find various items because the thing was like a sort of abyss. Plus, this new purse is more grown-up looking, what with the leather, and it goes with everything.
5. A book filled with a collection of hard and very challenging level sudoku puzzles.
6. A sort of ballerina slipper/sock thing, grey with two little black buttons on top near the toes.
7. A filing case. Now I feel so grown up.
8. Lemon iced tea icebreakers. They're pretty much bomb.
9. A set of mini woodless colored pencils that fit within a CD case.
10. A navy blue knee length trenchcoat. Unfortunately the only size available was a large, but I think I'll manage. At least it's roomy.
11. 2 All Time Low albums.

But to think that I still have to go buy textbooks soon, too? A math and a chemistry book, each on their own are always ridiculously expensive. Sucksalot.

My dad bought me a pad for my mattress so I don't have to feel the springs anymore. Ohmagah, it is so pillowy.

We also went out to eat a lot so I pretty much ate way more than I should have, because my belly was fairly rotund afterwards and I had a sort of wobble about me as I walked. And we watched Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which I had intended to watch twice anyway. Then we went to the park and took a bunch of pictures, too.





So overall it was fun, with the exception of his incessant ramblings about his crazy philosophies. He really does push his ideas on you. Like when he's talking to you and you avert your eyes to the right or left, his whole body moves that way a bit so that you will keep looking at him. He's really... yeah.

I'm getting even older, now.

Sometimes when I look at my hands, I suddenly see them as if they were an old woman's, deep wrinkles and fragile appearance in all.

Granma and I broke up, although it was to be expected. We figured that, yes, we do have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company, but we want different things, and that just doesn't work out in serious relationships. While it made me a little sad, I was not completely distraught, so I think he did a pretty good job of being gentle about the issue. We are still going to be friends, though, and I sense no awkwardness to follow, because I regret absolutely nothing.

I'm surprised how mature I'm being about this. Usually in my past "relationships" or whatever they were, I tended to avoid the person in question after "breaking up", but I have a feeling that won't happen this time around. Granma and I acted like just friends when we hung out most of the time anyway, with the exception of one time we snogged like crazy, but that experience felt like a completely different relationship/person/time. Does that make any sense? Like it is completely disassociated with the friendship part of Granma that I experienced. I don't know.

My dad is visiting for a few days. We're going to hang out after my morning shifts today and tomorrow, and then go to Great America on Saturday, my day off. Friday I'm going to see District 9 with some work buddies; should be fun. I invited Granma to come along, we'll see what he does.

Better late than never.

7 Interesting Things About Myself

1. I'm a sucker for scarves, currently owning thirteen. Although, I would have fourteen would it not be for the fact that I had lost one. Twas one of my favorites, too; I got it in the men's department. Anyway, to the left is my own personal scarf monster. She's really shy, obviously. In her spare time, she smokes and tempts trails of ants to sneak into the closet using imaginary bits of donuts.

And, big news, I am currently making my first scarf ever. I don't know crocheting lingo, so bear with me. My grandma taught me how to crochet a single chain when I was really small, so that's pretty much all I ever knew how to do, and I ended up making this elongated skinny purple chain of yarn that stretched from one end of the house to the other.

But recently, my mom taught me how to go back and forth and make different patterns depending on which threads you pull and loop, so now I can make a simple rectangular shape, and therefore a scarf. This makes me happy. It will turn out swimmingly, I'm sure.

2. I'm a fan of sprinting. I used to be cool like The Fonz when it came to running. In middle school, I would race all the boys during lunch and kick ass, of course. Sometimes I'd end up going so fast it felt like I ought to have been flying, it was fantastic. Then in high school I'd race friends during PE, and sometimes I even get to race someone at work now, if anyone feels up to it. I sometimes find myself with this urge to just run as fast as I can. It's been a while, though.

3. I can make a Jacob's Ladder in six seconds. I developed this skill out of boredom and my friends' and I's competitive natures while travelling on a bus to a girl scout camp in fifth grade. By the way, Girl Scouts sucked a bunch.

4. There was a family reunion over in Norway when I was eleven that I managed to attend. Luckily, many people spoke English, so I didn't feel like a complete outsider. I ended up learning how to count to ten in Norwegian, as well as acquired a scar on my right elbow from slipping on tile at a pool hall. There was blood everywhere. Yeah. Okay, it wasn't like a massacre, but I couldn't so much as tap my elbow for a good week or two without a lot of pain. And the scar is still there. So you know that old wivestale about scars being on your skin for seven years before going away? Totally mythological.

5. The other day I found my old Gameboy Color in my junk drawer. Isn't it funny how things like this bring back so many memories? Like when I saw it, I had flashbacks of being a heck of a lot younger and sitting on the floor beside my bunkbed, listening to Alien Ant Farm and playing Zelda on this Gameboy. And my mom used to play Tetris pretty much all the time on it, too. She gasped when she saw me bring out Tetris for her and started cooing and pleading for me to let her play. It was adorable.

6. If I were rich, I would have a gigantic t-shirt collection of witty quotes, dry humor, cutesy things, or pure awesomeness. Currently in my possession, "Size Matters" and "Teamwork":

And here's even a wishlist:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

7. For those of you who don't know, I used to make comics on top of the drawing and photography. The main character's name is Lemonii, who is often accompanied by Appul. Guest stars include Professor Lemonii and Dr. Peanut. For a full set of comics, see my specialized DeviantART.

Shake it off.

It took quite some time, but we eventually talked. The night I sent Granma that email, it was his birthday and he was out having fun with his friends while I had to sleep because I was getting up early the next day for work. Legitimately, he didn't check his email when he got back home late, nor the next morning when he felt hung over, nor when he got home tired from work and went straight to bed. The next morning, however, he did respond to that wretched email I sent, and with much sympathy, but thought it would be better to have a serious talk in person.

I went to his house this morning to discuss everything concerning the both of us, and I realized that he had more concerns than I do.

He is nervous about our situation, that we really are so different that he has two separate worlds: being with me, and being with his friends. He feels uncomfortable choosing one over the other on his limited days off from work, and he's worried that we'll eventually drift apart because of it and that I might get hurt.

Meanwhile, he feels "cynical" over the fact that we have a four and a half year age difference and that being "my first one" at some point makes him nervous over such responsibility, but his "nice" side wants to say screw it because he really does like me as I like him. He's also completely geniune and will never cheat on me.

I told him I still want to be with him, despite everything, that I won't ever make him choose between me and his friends, and that I'd even be willing to try new things like wakeboarding so he doesn't have to split these worlds completely. And age means absolutely nothing to me, in fact, I prefer that he's a couple of years older so that he has gotten over most of his immaturity.

I figured that he's still iffy about us and doesn't know what to think yet, so I told him to tell me when he is sure either way, that I like where we're at now in this relationship and I don't want to progress any further until he knows what he wants, but to take his time because I'm patient and in no hurry myself.

Over all, we're on good terms and still want to see each other, so this is really awesome news. I like him a lot, he's a surprisingly good guy for his alwayswannabecooltwentysomethingyearold exterior.

As for the tag, I'll prepare seven awesomely interesting things about myself for my next entry. Caution, for you may suffer from effects of Awesome Radiation.

Shit. Shitshitshit.

My mom seems to be constantly making me feel terrible in situations where I would have otherwise been happy.

Motherly beliefs:

1. "All guys are the same at that age, they will expect sex on their birthday."
Guess what. Didn't happen. In fact, he has been so patient with me when it comes to how long it has taken me to just kiss him. He knows when to take the initative, because I'm such a coward, and he stops progressing immediately if I start feeling uncomfortable. He's all I could ask for.

2. "In dating, he is supposed to woo you, take you out on dates. If he's cheap now, it will only get worse later on."
I don't like going out. I actually like staying at home and lounging on the couch watching stupid shows on television.
"You can do that when you've been in a relationship for a long time, but now is no time for him to be cheap."

3. "It's fine if he's just a temporary boyfriend, someone you need for companionship now. But he's not the kind of boy to stick around with long term. You need someone as ambitious as you are academically, someone who isn't oh-so goodlooking."
Okay. Seriously? I actually do agree that he isn't a long-term type of boyfriend, but GOD. Was the latter part really necessary?

4. "If he's asking you to come over to his house at ten o'clock at night, no, that's booty call. You do not do that."
Umm. First of all, no. Second of all, I was the one who asked to come over. Because I want to. And so what if it's because I want to snog him a bit? I'm not losing my virginity, for freaks' sake.

5. "You should go out with someone whose schedule you don't have to work around because it's convenient for him. Date nights are Fridays and Saturdays."
Jesus. I can't help who I like or what time work schedules us. Fridays and Saturdays are impossible with our schedules. ie, "Don't go out with him."

6. "Are you even sure he isn't seeing other girls? You said he goes to bars with his friends. And how do you know he's really going to hang out with his friends later and wasn't just ditching you?"
Well, ma, because I saw them conversing right in front of me. They were going to the gym after Granma went to dinner with his parents. He had only one day off that week and I realized that he has more friends and people who want to spend time with him than I do, so I understand why I couldn't stay longer than I wanted to.

The "seeing other girls" question ticked me off. When I am with him, I don't think I can ever see him being the typical twenty-something year old male who wants to go out to clubs and screw every woman he sees. This is because he treats me with so much respect when we're together, and I feel so safe and welcome when he's holding me.

But I honestly don't know how he behaves around his friends. And there's some things that irk me about him that warp my thoughts into believing in the possibility that I really don't mean all that much to him, like how he seems to refuse to add me as a friend on Myspace and Facebook. I don't get it, I feel like he's hiding something. Or hiding me from his friends for whatever reason? Or that I'm not good enough to be considered one of his true friends quite yet?

I've put it off for quite some time, these irksome feelings, but my mom's tormenting has brought them boiling to the surface and having me wondering after Granma after all. I had eventually become so paranoid that I sent him an email yesterday. And I am so goddamned ashamed that I actually had to send it:

"I hate to get so serious about this but my mom keeps yelling at me about you and making me paranoid because I don't know anything about relationships and "she knows all guys are the same", which has a really negative connotation. I'm sorry I have to ask this, but what am I to you? I mean do you consider me a friend or girlfriend (do you see anyone else), and do you think we're too different, etc... I feel like an idiot for having to ask such stupid questions because I trust you and she obviously doesn't, but she's infecting my mind. I just need to hear what's in your head too, and please be honest with me. Then tell me I'm just being an idiot, because I hope that's the case."

I hate that I sent this email because if he responds in favor of me, I will feel like I betrayed him in thinking that he was actually capable of being such a jerkoff, but if he responds negatively, then I will feel absolutely crushed that I let myself become more intimate with him than I would have preferred if he didn't even like me properly in the first place. I'm such an idiot.

I know he read the email at least, because his Myspace showed he was online today, but he didn't respond. I wish he's not just ignoring me again and is instead trying to collect his thoughts and see what he really feels about me. I was initially hoping that it would have been a quick and simple, "Of course you're my girlfriend, yes you're an idiot, now are you still coming over on Monday?" But it wasn't. So. I don't know. I think I completely screwed myself over and scared him away.

I guess I'm becoming more and more depressed as time goes by, and the hours have been ticking away really, really slowly since I pushed the "send" button. If he doesn't respond by tonight, I'll have to give up on him, because I can't stand pining over someone who doesn't seem to care so much. We are rather different after all.