A coworker and myself were on our breaks when we started mulling over things like how different people are in personality and appearances, and a "When I look in the mirror, is that really my face?" sort of thing. I was telling her how artists tend to think of these sorts of things more often than others because artists who draw portraits of people have to take notice of those differences when they're doing their work, otherwise they'd make everyone look exactly the same.
I need a different job. Where I'm working restricts what I wear to shabby, torn up and bleached out clothing, my hair is always in a manner of disarray, and I'm not allowed to wear jewellery. This is all fine and dandy, really, but after two years, you kind of just want a day for yourself to just look as pretty as you want to. And I have a thing for rings, so not being able to wear them ever isn't very fun.
I'm doing a better job at ignoring Granma back. It feels like how it was before we started talking, just waving every once in a while and not bothering over conversations, only that heavy attraction and nervousness I used to have in those situations are nearly gone. I think it's what he wanted all along, though. Makes me sad.
It seems I have my own personal shoe lace gremlin. Every other time I looked at my shoes yesterday, the laces were untied and being stepped on. I used to tie my shoe laces with two knots, both in order not to deal with this problem and because of friends coming up to me during lunch to secretly untie them while I was hiding behind a book. But for some reason I felt determined not to.
I used to have a sock monster when I was little. Every time my clothes went through the laundry, some sock went missing in the process. My mom's socks were fine, as well as my brother's, but mine? No. They were cruelly snatched away.
There's a couple of new photographs in my DeviantART gallery. I had a mini-shoot of a glass of cold green tea with mint leaves floating at the top. This one is my favorite.
You know what I could use right now? Some hot cocoa. Even though it's hot outside, the air conditioning here and this ceiling fan blowing cool air at me are making my digits nippy. Off I go.
I used to have a blog with AOL RED Blogs called Knave (previously Thaumaturge) that I had for two years or so. I was becoming nostalgic and all, so I went to view it but could not, either because I'm no longer a person with a teen aol account or because it has been deleted out of not being used. It's a shame. I was determined not to delete it for all of the memories within that blog, too.
A bunch of irritating things happened this week regarding college that piled up on top of me and I caved. There was just too much pressure. But I fixed things today and I'm more calm and collected, so I'm okay.
I want to start featuring works of art I've favorited on DeviantART here. So. I'll do that from now on.
One thing worse than being sick is having to do homework while being sick. One thing worse than that is having to do a homework assignment that takes four hours to complete while being sick. Yeah. Go me.
Outside of that unpleasantness, I have watched a few movies recently.
Saint Ralph This kid named Ralph is a rebellious kid at a Catholic school whose father is deceased and whose mother is in the hospital. In this story, Ralph attempts to rid himself of all of his sins and perform a task miraculous enough to bring his mother back to good health: win the prestegious Boston Marathon, despite his utter lack of a background in or previous desire for running. I'll just say the story made me tear up a bit. That's something that's pretty consistent with me: I always tear up when I'm supposed to. Anyway, it's a recommendation those who have yet to see Saint Ralph. 4/5
Into The Wild Alexander Supertramp named himself after casting away his identity as a college graduate in a publically happy family with internal secrets. He never spoke to them again, he gave his life savings to charity, burned his cash, ditched his car, and hitched rides all over the country in search of life experiences and adventure.
I love this movie. While it is rather slow in parts, this bildungsroman is incredibly inspirational and full of wisdom, love, peace, and beauty. A super recommendation. 4.5/5
The Pianist This movie is so utterly brutal but very well done, about a famous Jewish pianist named Wladyslaw Szpilman in the midst of the Warsaw Ghetto of World War II and his struggle to survive. Most of this movie consists of dead bodies, gun fights, and terrible injustices, so I wouldn't recommend this movie if you're terribly squeamish. However, if you can man it up, the story of this man's life is quite extraordinary. 4/5
Phoebe in Wonderland A cute little girl named Phoebe is engrossed in her own world surrounding the story and characters of Alice in Wonderland and strives to do her best to get into the school play put on by her beloved drama teacher. However, her bahavioral problems at school and home worry her parents and other teachers enough for Phoebe to have sessions with a psychiatrist. This movie is rather charming and offbeat, not utterly fantastic. 3/5
Cashback A college art student breaks up with his girlfriend and thinks about her way too much, enough to turn him into an insomniac. To pass the time, he gets a night shift at a grocery store. The boredom is devastating, but he manages to come up with a way to make it more tolerable: he stops time entirely and draws portraits of women.
Very cool movie. It's totally unique and artsy, the relationships and characters are great, and the ending is cereally super duper. 5/5
Keith
This movie actually stars Jesse McCartney of all people, but he actually does a pretty good job at acting on top of his singing career. Keith is a socially awkward kid who is paired up in chem lab with a super popular girl Natalie. She thinks she's got it all figured out until Keith shows her a different way of thinking about life and the future, and she ends up falling for him while her past life as a popular, smart, pretty, and athletically talented girl goes down the drain.
I fargin' love this movie to no end. I'm sort of a sucker for teenage romances, first loves, tragedies, and awkward boys, but the story itself, especially towards the end, is bloody amazing. One of the last scenes at the bus station? Pull out that tissue box, man. 5/5
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Yeah, I know! I only just saw this movie, I'm so depressed. Took me so long. I'm not used to Jim Carrey being in a serious role, but he actually does it pretty well. This love story is so incredibly bizarre, and you don't really know what's going on with all these little snippets of their lives and experiences until the near end of the movie. But it's pretty cool. I only wish the execution of the movie could have been better, and I hate Kirsten Dunst, but I'll just have to get over that. 3.5/5
Okay, that's enough of that. Have a good day. *snifflecoughsniffle*
I had a couple of interesting dreams last night. One of which I was here on my blog and found out that I suddenly had 73 comments on my previous post. Yeah. Dream on.
Another dream was about Granma, go figure. Nothing scandalous, though. But it was legitimate to dream about him again because yesterday he actually took the time to stop and talk to me after work the other day. I was kind of surprised because he's been seemingly ignoring me recently unless I initiate a conversation. So as a result I've been doing my best to ignore him as well. I'm not very good at it.
I figured I'd ask again if he'd have time to hang out that night but he said he had homework to do. This was the time to ask the question that's been on my mind for ages:
"Tell me one thing, is the answer always going to be no?" So far it has been.
He grimaced and looked up into the sky, saying umm and nothing else for a good ten seconds, because apparently he is that busy. He proceeded in spouting out his schedule this week, you know. But then asked me to see a movie with him on Sunday if he doesn't see one with his brother.
I wanted to punch him in the face and make out with him at the same time, but ended up just nodding vaguely instead. I don't like being a last resort, but I don't like not being with him either. I feel utterly pathetic.
Off of the topic of Granma, one of my coworkers sent me a couple of funny videos to check out, one of which is ha-larious, let me tell you:
A couple of months ago I started watching Naruto from the beginning, and it was all fine and dandy up until Sasuke left. Then it was all a bunch of lameness and pointless fillers, so I skipped the last thirty episodes or so and went straight on through to Naruto Shippuden. This is when pure awesomeness commenced. Everyone is so much cooler when they're more grown up. I'm just anxious for more of Sasuke. He's such a stud muffin. Grrrawr.
FALL IS COMING. I'm excited. I can't wait to wear all of my scarves. Not all at once, of course. That'd just be plain silliness. But I should try it anyways just for kicks.
Some girl at work heard I'm into photography and asked if she could model for me some time. Sounds pretty bomb to me; I'm tired of taking pictures of just me and my cat. My mom thinks I should charge her for my services, but I'm thinking we're both doing each other a favor here. She wants some pictures of herself and I want some pictures for my gallery. 'Nuff said.
Ha-larious comic to check out. That's my kind of sense of humor.
Precious, no? Granma sent that to me a couple of weeks ago when I told him to entertain me in some way.
I feel like an extremely dense ball of angst right about now.
Basically I'm still pining over Granma after this whole month of not having gone out with him. I still think about him all the freakin' time and it is killing me to no end.
When he broke up with me, one of the things he said was that he's not up for a serious relationship right now, and I understand that. But now I feel like I'm so desparate for his attentions that I probably wouldn't mind just being friends with benefits, because really, I miss us just holding each other. So either I somehow win him back or I just need to go out with someone else, but unfortunately, I'm really picky about who I get close to and it seems like Granma is being incredibly evasive. So I'm out of luck. Hence the angst ball.
Some guy I used to work with a couple of years back asked me what was wrong just as you guys did, and I told him, so he emailed me back with what he felt was mandatory advice whether I use it or not:
i don't want to say stuff like 'its gonna be ok' cause its up to you. i can't really talk much about relationships either, i haven't been in one for over 6 years. only things i am familiar with is the pain and the loneliness that you feel. if life hands you a bag of lemons, fuck it, bail.
take in all the frustration and anger. cry, shout, roar, hit stuff (preferably not someone else). take it in, learn from it, meditate on it then let it go. you got other shit to do. hell, draw stuff about it. make something beautiful out of something so ugly.
you are smart, artsy, off beat and fucking hot. you are awesome, don't let anybody tell you anything different. well maybe if it's better than what i wrote.
anyways, that's the advice. hoped it helped or at least amused you.
I finally finished my online medical terminology course. After taking the final exam, though, nothing really happened, so I don't know what will happen next. Do they send me some sort of congratulatory letter of recognition for finishing the course? Who knows.
While I was taking the final exam though, I was looking up some terms and came across something called spontaneous pneumothorax. It's a condition in which air or gas collects in the space between the lungs and the chest that prevents the lung from inflating completely, causing sudden sharp chest pain, shortness of breath, chest tightness, rapid heart rate, and could surface with anxiety, tension, and stress, but mainly occurs during rest or sleep. Spontaneous pneumothorax occurs with no traumatic injury and can occur in people without any sort of lung disease, often in tall, thin, young people. And it sounds like what I've got.
Unfortunately, I probably have to ride it out, if it is what I have. The only sort of "prevention" I can take outside of not smoking looks like some sort of procedure called pleurodesis, which could keep air and fluid from building around the lungs to prevent collapses. Somehow. I don't know.
Anyway, I'll go to the health center on campus Thursday and have them do some tests to see if that's what is wrong with me. I'm not going to my physician anymore because it's just ridiculously expensive for what little they do or find out. The health center on campus is free if you're a student, you see. It's included in the tuition. So maybe I'll finally get a diagnosis and some treatment after all these years? I hope so.
