Oh, blubber.

I had yet another bout of hysterics this morning. I was studying some medical terminology, like I ought to, and stated a fact read verbatim from the textbook when my mother says so matter-of-factly, "No" as if it were so obviously not the case. It really isn't all that hilarious, but I laughed myself into a stupor just the same. My mom thought I was going insane, something I often come to the conclusion about her.

It turns out Granma is going to the same school as me this semester, which is awesome. He's looking into becoming a male nurse, apparently, which is pretty cool. Then we can hang out more often, because I haven't really seen him properly in ages outside of the brief hello's as we pass by each other, and I can help him study some things since I've already taken the classes he's going to take. He's waving fanatically at me again at work; I missed that. We're definitely on friendly terms again, and it makes me so happy.

I still think about him all the time, though. You know, in a romantic sense. I'll need to get over that. Everyone was telling me it's a good thing that we broke up since he didn't show me enough attention or interest, but I miss the feeling of being with him. I keep wanting to say, "Hey, let's get back together" just so I can cuddle up with him under a blanket while watching some obscure movie on pay per view.

Last night was the third night in a row that I had a dream about him, only to find when I wake up that it never happened. That's what tears me apart the most. My subconscious is killing me slowly.

I think I've mentioned my chest pain before? Have I? Anyway, I've had this chest pain for probably five years now, a really sharp sort of throbbing that is intensified when I breathe in deeper, but breathing in all the way is the only means of getting rid of it. This pain is very sporadic in nature; it can show up anywhere from a couple of times a day to once a month, lasting anywhere from a millisecond to thirty seconds. One time it was fifty minutes. That scared the hell out of me, as you can imagine.

The doctors don't know what it is, though. I've had an echocardiogram done and they have ruled out my heart from that little procedure, despite the fact that I wasn't having any pain during the procedure. I didn't suppose it would have shown up anyway, but they seem pretty adamant that it would have shown up if there was some sort of heart problem.

So, who knows what it is. I think they've given up, and I've given up on them. They all seem so unreliable, especially when they charge me so much money for finding out absolutely nothing. I feel like I've just got to ride it out, and some day I'll probably die from some ambiguous disease in twenty years. But I don't think I want to live too old, anyway. I haven't quite made up my mind about that yet.