Shit. Shitshitshit.

My mom seems to be constantly making me feel terrible in situations where I would have otherwise been happy.

Motherly beliefs:

1. "All guys are the same at that age, they will expect sex on their birthday."
Guess what. Didn't happen. In fact, he has been so patient with me when it comes to how long it has taken me to just kiss him. He knows when to take the initative, because I'm such a coward, and he stops progressing immediately if I start feeling uncomfortable. He's all I could ask for.

2. "In dating, he is supposed to woo you, take you out on dates. If he's cheap now, it will only get worse later on."
I don't like going out. I actually like staying at home and lounging on the couch watching stupid shows on television.
"You can do that when you've been in a relationship for a long time, but now is no time for him to be cheap."

3. "It's fine if he's just a temporary boyfriend, someone you need for companionship now. But he's not the kind of boy to stick around with long term. You need someone as ambitious as you are academically, someone who isn't oh-so goodlooking."
Okay. Seriously? I actually do agree that he isn't a long-term type of boyfriend, but GOD. Was the latter part really necessary?

4. "If he's asking you to come over to his house at ten o'clock at night, no, that's booty call. You do not do that."
Umm. First of all, no. Second of all, I was the one who asked to come over. Because I want to. And so what if it's because I want to snog him a bit? I'm not losing my virginity, for freaks' sake.

5. "You should go out with someone whose schedule you don't have to work around because it's convenient for him. Date nights are Fridays and Saturdays."
Jesus. I can't help who I like or what time work schedules us. Fridays and Saturdays are impossible with our schedules. ie, "Don't go out with him."

6. "Are you even sure he isn't seeing other girls? You said he goes to bars with his friends. And how do you know he's really going to hang out with his friends later and wasn't just ditching you?"
Well, ma, because I saw them conversing right in front of me. They were going to the gym after Granma went to dinner with his parents. He had only one day off that week and I realized that he has more friends and people who want to spend time with him than I do, so I understand why I couldn't stay longer than I wanted to.

The "seeing other girls" question ticked me off. When I am with him, I don't think I can ever see him being the typical twenty-something year old male who wants to go out to clubs and screw every woman he sees. This is because he treats me with so much respect when we're together, and I feel so safe and welcome when he's holding me.

But I honestly don't know how he behaves around his friends. And there's some things that irk me about him that warp my thoughts into believing in the possibility that I really don't mean all that much to him, like how he seems to refuse to add me as a friend on Myspace and Facebook. I don't get it, I feel like he's hiding something. Or hiding me from his friends for whatever reason? Or that I'm not good enough to be considered one of his true friends quite yet?

I've put it off for quite some time, these irksome feelings, but my mom's tormenting has brought them boiling to the surface and having me wondering after Granma after all. I had eventually become so paranoid that I sent him an email yesterday. And I am so goddamned ashamed that I actually had to send it:

"I hate to get so serious about this but my mom keeps yelling at me about you and making me paranoid because I don't know anything about relationships and "she knows all guys are the same", which has a really negative connotation. I'm sorry I have to ask this, but what am I to you? I mean do you consider me a friend or girlfriend (do you see anyone else), and do you think we're too different, etc... I feel like an idiot for having to ask such stupid questions because I trust you and she obviously doesn't, but she's infecting my mind. I just need to hear what's in your head too, and please be honest with me. Then tell me I'm just being an idiot, because I hope that's the case."

I hate that I sent this email because if he responds in favor of me, I will feel like I betrayed him in thinking that he was actually capable of being such a jerkoff, but if he responds negatively, then I will feel absolutely crushed that I let myself become more intimate with him than I would have preferred if he didn't even like me properly in the first place. I'm such an idiot.

I know he read the email at least, because his Myspace showed he was online today, but he didn't respond. I wish he's not just ignoring me again and is instead trying to collect his thoughts and see what he really feels about me. I was initially hoping that it would have been a quick and simple, "Of course you're my girlfriend, yes you're an idiot, now are you still coming over on Monday?" But it wasn't. So. I don't know. I think I completely screwed myself over and scared him away.

I guess I'm becoming more and more depressed as time goes by, and the hours have been ticking away really, really slowly since I pushed the "send" button. If he doesn't respond by tonight, I'll have to give up on him, because I can't stand pining over someone who doesn't seem to care so much. We are rather different after all.